How to Write Something Funny

Have you ever wanted to write something funny but could never figure out how? Well, this post will teach you how to find your sixth sense, the sense of humor. If you already have that sense then there's no need to read the rest of this post.

What is humor? The definition of the word according to the Oxford Dictionary is: "The quality of being amusing or comic, especially as expressed in literature or speech." That definition is boring though. Humor is basically something that makes you laugh. So anything can be humorous: bugs, cheesecake, cheese, even death. Although if you think death is funny there is something seriously wrong with you. So, anything you write can be funny to someone.

How do you find a sense of humour? As I said before anything you write has the possibility of being funny so technically you already have it but you want to be funny to more than one or two people. How you gain the ultimate sense of humour you simply have to write words using the British spelling, as I have been for the past paragraph. I spelt humour with the British spelling instead of the weird American spelling so now I'm the funniest Time Lord alive, which really isn't much of an achievement since there aren't very many of us around. Plus all the other Time Lords who are still around are actually from the UK so they already spell stuff that way. Dang it.

What are some other ways to find your sense of humor? If you don't know what the British spelling of words are then you could always use sarcasm, dumb jokes, puns, and a ton hyperboles. Although despite what your English classes say hyperboles are not all that funny. Sarcasm is though. What is sarcasm? Well, it's a dangerous disease that causes your hair to turn green and makes it so you can only speak Elvish. If you don't believe me go Google Scotland's national animal. It'll answer all your questions other then the ones you have about the meaning of life. The answer to that is 42. Dumb jokes are easy. Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine. Puns are pretty easy. That picture is a great example of a pun. I already spoke on the jaw dropping effects hyperboles have so there's no need for me to talk about them anymore.

So, those are many ways you can find your sense of humor. There are more of course but I don't feel like writing an essay that's 50,000 words long. Also, don't blame me if you attempt to use my examples of humor and they don't work. Not everyone can be as hilarious as me and some people never find their sense of humor. If you're one of those people I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'd suggest you go find your imagination. That might help.

Anyways, if any of you brilliant readers wish to share some jokes and such in the comments feel free to do so. I love reading funny stuff.

Stupid examples of humor:

Oliver: Skylar is, like, the smartest person in the entire system.

Skylar: That's not true. I'm only on the top five list. 

Alexis: Hey, kid. What's up?

Jack: We're the same age so if you call me a kid your calling yourself one too.

Alexis: Last I checked I wasn't a baby goat.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Doctor

Doctor who?

*insert TARDIS noise here*

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

“You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It's really funny.” - quote from a Brandon Sanderson book

I'm a Writer

Hello humans and aliens of the universe. As you probably already know I'm a writer. If  you never realized this before now you obviously haven't read anything else on this wonderful blog. You should go read the rest of my blog. Go do it now. You done? Good.

So, anyways, since I'm a writer I've decided to start posting writing related things on this blog. I might start doing book/tv show/movie reviews as well. You may be asking yourself what I mean by writing related things. The answer to that question is that I'll be occasionally posting my personal writing tips. Sort of like my how to beat writers block post that you should go read. Since I'm also doing NaNoWriMo I'll be posting weekly updates about that. What is NaNoWriMo you ask? Well, it stands for Nation Novel Writing Month and the goal of NaNoWriMo is to write 50,000 words in your novel during the month of November. I'm writing the forth-ish draft of my book Death's Quest for NaNoWriMo. I'll tell you all about my amazing book that you might eventually read if I ever get to a final draft and publish it in another blog post. I'll also be posting a character interview once a month-ish. That's everything I can think of to tell you about today. Good bye, humans, aliens, and non-organic beings!

How Rabbits Came to Earth

The Human Dimension: The magician’s hand reached into the hat.

The Rabbit Dimension: Jeff was relaxing in the sun when the Great Hand emerged from the clouds. As soon as it appeared the alarms were sounded. Every adult rabbit was to head to Lettus Square.

Jeff sighed and hopped toward the capital. He was having such a nice day until the Great Hand appeared. 

The closer Jeff got to the capital the more rabbits he saw. Nobody was grinding their teeth today.

Lettus Square was crowded. Jeff could barely see the platform where the Council sat, waiting for everyone to arrive. In the middle of the Council’s platform was a dish filled with paper scraps.

A few minutes later High Councilman Smudge rose to his hind legs. “As you have all seen the Great Hand has appeared. Today we must send one of our own to the human world. Councilman Sparta will now pull a name out of the Dish of Doom.”

A brown rabbit dipped his head into the bowl and grabbed a name with his teeth. He pulled it out and gave it to the High Councilman.

“The rabbit who will be leaving our realm today is Jeff Quest the V!” High Councilman Smudge said.

Jeff’s heart pounded. That was his name. He was going to the human world, where he would be forced to be someone’s pet or get eaten.

Everyone backed away from him.

“Jeff, go to the Great Hand,” High Councilman Smudge said. “Join the rabbits of the human world.”

“I don’t want to go,” Jeff said.

“You must,” the High Councilman said. “I’m sorry.”

Jeff looked around, hoping someone would volunteer to go in his place. No one came forward.

Jeff hopped away from the square and back to the field where the Great Hand was waiting.

The Great Hand grabbed Jeff by his black ears and lifted him into the sky.

The Human Dimension: The magician pulled his arm out of the hat. In his hand was a black rabbit. The crowd clapped. The magician bowed. Jeff stared down at the hat, wishing he could go back.

Questions from the Corners of Space and Time: Doctor Who?

Hello creatures of the past, present, and future! This is Reporter Ryder Eclipse the Great reporting in with another pressing question: Doctor who? People have been wondering what is the Doctor's name for the past fifty year so I've decided to find out. The person I've interviewed about this matter is a great tree of few words. He's a raccoon's sidekick and works for a weirdo named Peter Quill. He is Groot! Here's the interview.


Reporter Ryder Eclipse the Great: Hello, Groot. I've brought you here today to ask you a question as old as time itself.

Groot: I am Groot.

Reporter Ryder Eclipse the Great: And I am Ryder Eclipse the Great. The question you are here to answer is: what is the Doctor's name?

Groot: I am Groot.

Reporter Ryder Eclipse the Great: I really doubt that's his name. Do you watch Doctor Who?

Groot: I am Groot.

Reporter Ryder Eclipse the Great: When I was told you don't talk much I was not expecting this.

Groot: *grows a flower on his arm, plucks it off, and gives it to Reporter Ryder Eclipse the Great.* I am Groot.

Reporter Ryder Eclipse the Great: *takes flower* Uh, thank you.

Groot: *smiles*

Reporter Ryder Eclipse the Great: Well, I guess we're done here. Good bye, Groot.

Groot: I am Groot.

Reporter Ryder Eclipse the Great: *teleports away from the Marvel universe*


Now you all know that the Doctor's name is I Am Groot. Hope you enjoyed today's question. If you have a question for Reporter Ryder Eclipse then please leave it in the comments. Have a shiny day and may the Force be with you!

Questions from the Furthest Corners of Time and Space: Why do the Red Shirts Always Die?

Hello creatures of the past, present, and future! This is your favorite alien reporter Ryder Eclipse. I am currently on Tatooine where I will ask one of the biggest questions ever asked. Why do red shirts always die in the old Star Trek tv shows and movies? The young man asked about this pressing issue is a loyal soldier of the Galactic Empire. He is the next generation of soldiers in his universe who wear the uniforms that provide the least amount of camouflage I have ever seen. He is a stormtrooper under the command of Darth Vader. Here is the interview.


Awesome Reporter Eclipse: Hello, young man. What is your name?

Stormtrooper: Are you a droid?

Awesome Reporter Eclipse: No. I'm an awesome reporter, as you can see by the title next to my name that came before these sentences.

Stormtrooper: I am a faithful soldier of the Galactic Empire.

Awesome Reporter Eclipse: I'm sure you are. Do you know why you're here?

Stormtrooper: To destroy rebel scum?

Awesome Reporter Eclipse: No. You are here to answer a question. Why do the red shirts always die in the old Star Trek series?

Stormtrooper: Because they're rebel scum?

Awesome Reporter Eclipse: They're not rebels.

Stormtrooper: Are they droids?

Awesome Reporter Eclipse: No, they are not.

Stormtrooper: Have you seen the droids I've been looking for?

Awesome Reporter Eclipse: No, I have not. So, what are your theories on why red shirts die?

Stormtrooper: I have a white shirt.

Awesome Reporter Eclipse: I'm talking about people from Star Trek.

Stormtrooper: Are they in alliance with the rebel scums?

Awesome Reporter Eclipse: They're from the future.

Stormtrooper: I must go find two droid. If you have not seen them then talking to you is useless to the Empire. *Stormtrooper raises blaster and fires it at Awesome Reporter Eclipse. The stormtrooper ends up destroying his own speeder.*

Awesome Reporter Eclipse: Good bye, Mr. Stormtrooper. *Teleports away from the Star Wars universe.*

Dragon's Quest

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away… No wait. Wrong story. Gimme a sec, I’ll find the right one. Oh, here we go.

Once upon a time there was a young prince named Jack who wished to become greater than his annoying egoistic brother, Marcus. So Prince Jack decided to go on a quest. A grand quest to slay the evil dragon of the Free Mountains. Now, this grand quest has been attempted by many of men. None of whom returned from the mountain.

Because of this the young prince decided he might have a better chance of killing the beast if he had help. So Jack requested to have three soldiers who would be willing to go with him on this great journey.

The three that came forward were marksman Edward; his brother, Matthew; and Lady Skylar, a brave girl who is not a distressed damsel of any kind and is actually a knight.

These four people, this is including the prince of course, left Starrin and headed towards the Free Mountains.

Okay, so the story about the journey between the Free Mountains and the Kingdom of Starrin is long and boring so I will just skip a few chapters. Nothing really happened. Only a couple run ins with Jack’s older brother, an attempted assassination, and a battle with a troll.

Two weeks later:

The foursome were riding through the Dark Forest of Erion when they happened across a traveler named Alexis. After learning that Alexis knew how to heal people they decided to ask her if she’d like to come slay a dragon and then heal any wounds they had. Alexis agreed and they continued traveling together.

A week later they arrived at the dragon’s cave. Standing at the entrance was a knight in red armor. The guardian of the cave and the adopted daughter of the dragon. Don’t ask. I have no idea why the dragon would adopt a human daughter.

“You shall not enter,” the red knight said.

Prince Jack battled the red knight. He somehow managed to knock her out without getting his head cut off but he did get stabbed in the chest.

Alexis healed Jack best she could but he did not make it. Prince Jack died. Just joking! Can’t have the prince die, can we? Actually yes we can but it’s not needed for this story.

Prince Jack knocked out the red knight and entered the cave followed by his friends.

A great black and green dragon lay on a pile of gold within the cave.

The dragon looked up from studying a large gem and growled at the intruders

Prince Jack and his friends attacked the beast. Edward fired arrows, Matthew whacked it with his sword, Skylar also whacked it with a sword, and Jack shouted insults at it while whacking it with a sword. Alexis stood on the sidelines unable to do anything because she had no fighting skills whatsoever.

The dragon breathed fire and knocked around the four attackers. Edward got eaten. This is not a joke. The dude actually got eaten. Sorry.

Eventually Jack stuck the dragon in the heart and the dragon died. Everyone went back to Starrin much richer and full of glory. They were heroes. Jack had proved he could do something that Marcus could not do. Everything was perfect. Except for Matthew. He was a little mad that his brother got eaten by a dragon so he left Starrin. Alexis went with him. But Skylar and Jack lived happily ever after. The end.

Nice story, huh? There were battles, long journeys, a dragon, a guy died, and everyone lived happily ever after, kind of. So goodbye for now and remember, never get eaten by a dragon. It’s bad for your health.

Newton's Broken Law

Okay, let’s pretend that gravity does not exist. That there is no up. No down. You can’t fall. It’s like space but you can breath without a suit. No gravity. No direction. And life goes on like it did exist. Kids go to school. Adults go to work. There are skyscrapers and farms. Dogs still bark at your pet cat. Life is normal. Except with no gravity.

Now stop pretending. Because this is all real. Earth broke. Or at least the law of gravity did. This happened fifteen years ago. We have gotten use to it by now. The first few years were hard. We had to build a dome around the Earth so we wouldn’t float off into space.

I don’t remember gravity very well. I was only two when it broke. Only thing I remember was that back then I didn’t have to keep a lid on my fish bowl or be careful about drinking orange juice in the morning. Now the only thing I know is the life where Newton’s Law of Gravity doesn’t matter. It’s a broken law from a broken world. And this is the story of how I fixed it.

I pushed away from home. Today I was going to find out what happened. Nobody else cared. They liked it without gravity. And scientists have found ways for people to stay healthy in a zero gravity Earth. They don’t care. I do.

People speculate that it started in a lab in Illinois. Strange place for the cracks to begin. You’d think it would’ve started near Area 51. But no. It broke near Chicago. Made a huge mess. Then it spread.

I headed towards Illinois. Straight south. I flew through the air. Between the trees that awkwardly stuck to the ground. They looked so weird, being in nice rows like they were. All stuck to the grassy floor. My house was built on the side of a cliff, which is handy. If it had been built mid air like some houses then I’d have to worry about it floating off to Canada. Anyways, sideways is down to me. Guess it doesn’t matter though. There is no down. That’s what we’re all told in school. I disagree.

It didn’t take long to get to Illinois. I live near the Wisconsin Illinois border but even if I didn’t it wouldn’t take long. The harder I push off of something the faster I’ll go. If I had used a launching device I could’ve made it to the Mexican border before supper.

It took me no time at all to locate the town that the websites say the cracks started. Hopefully the websites are right. I really don’t want to go home without accomplishing anything.

The town is called Newton. Kinda ironic. Newton’s law was broke in Newton, Illinois.

It was lunch hour. People were pushing away from work to go get a bite to eat. As I floated down Main Street several people ran into me. Rather easy to do. It’s hard to turn without gravity. That’s why I needed to make it come it come back.

“Excuse me,” I passed an elderly couple.

I made it to the other side of town and started searching for the farm. Pushing off of trees, I searched the forest. I saw no government soldiers. No men with guns patrolling. You’d think that the place where this all started would have guards and an electric dome.

I located an abandoned barn. This was it. Hopefully.

I pushed off an evergreen and towards the grassy floor. A rabbit scurried away. Floating up towards the trees. Must be hard being a rabbit when there’s no gravity. He can’t hop around like his great, great, great, great, great grandparents did.

I pushed off another tree. I floated into the barn and caught a hold of a rope before I could go out the other side. Now I just had to find whatever did this.

I glanced around the barn. Old rusty farm tools floated mid air. The remains of a tractor floated along with them. The hay sat on the floor and… wait a sec. Why is the hay stuck to the floor? It should be floating like everything else.

I pushed down and hit the floor hard. I didn’t bounce off it. There was gravity.

The floor was rough and the hay tasted awful.

I pushed myself to my knees. Gravity outside the exercise centers. So strange. So heavy.

Carefully, I stood up. Still had gravity. I jumped. The ceiling came closer. I pushed back down to the floor.

Once back on the floor I looked for the source of the gravity. Throwing hay into the air in order to find a trap door or maybe a machine hidden under the piles. Finally, I found something. A latch. I snapped it open.

A stairway into darkness.

I took a step down. Then another. Gravity felt heavy against my body. I ignored it.

The darkness that surrounded me retreated. A light at the end of the tunnel.

A smile spread across my face. Maybe my adventure is coming to an end. I’ll be home for dinner.

A figure stepped between me and the light. A man. Tall and strong with broad shoulders. Like how guys were before the accident.

“Why have you come?” the man asked.

“To fix everything,” I said.

"Oh, okay," the man stood there staring at me. Then he stepped aside.

I walked into the light.

A lab. A very white lab. Various pieces of technology was spread across tables. The largest piece was a generator type thing that glowed green.

“Is that it?” I asked.

He nodded.

“Is that what is keeping the gravity working on the floor?” I asked.

He nodded.

“Can you turn the gravity back on?”

There was a pause before he nodded again.

“Than do so,” I said.

“If I just turn on Earth’s gravity all at once people will fall to their deaths,” the man said.

“So do what you did in the barn,” I said. “Make the ground have gravity. Then over time add more and more gravity to the Earth. That way people know to get back down to Earth.”

The man looked at his machine. “I guess I could…”

“You need to!” I said. “Everyone out there won’t admit it but Earth needs gravity. Humans need gravity. That rabbit outside needs gravity. So give it back!”

The man’s hand hovered above the controls. “I hope this works.” He flipped a switch.

“Wait, you hope?!” Maybe gravity couldn’t be turned back on. That would be bad.

“Breaking gravity. That was an accident,” the man said. “I’ve been trying to build something to reverse the effect ever since then.”

The TV flickered on to show the town. People floating near the ground hit it. They’ve regained gravity.

“Thank you,” I said.

“No, thank you,” the man said. “I was hoping someone would show up to see this. Do you want a fig newton?” He handed me a package of the strawberry treat.

“‘Show up to see this’?” I pushed away the package.

“You’re, like, the hundredth person to show up,” the man said. “Everyone else showed up before I was finished.”

“Oh…” I guess I wasn’t the only person to try and fix Earth.

“Go home,” the man said. “I’ll make sure that the gravity will be back to normal.”

I nodded. “Awesome! Thanks!” I went back to the barn.

Outside a squirrel was trying to figure out what had happen. It was moving rather slowly towards a tree.

I smiled and jumped. Gravity left me a few inches above the ground. I pushed off a nearby tree and headed back home. Gravity was coming back. Earth would soon be right again. There would be an up. There would be a down. I’ll be able to fall and I won’t have to worry about my pet fish floating away. Gravity has been fixed. Newton’s Law is followed once again.