The Ghost of Christmas- A Christmas Carol Retelling

Merry Christmas humanoids! As a Christmas present to all you wonderful readers of this amazing blog I've written a retelling of A Christmas Carol using characters from my story.

Derek Knight

The sights lined up with my target. Male, twenty-eight, soldier. He sat in a recliner, his four year old son playing with cars in front of him. A Christmas tree sat in the corner of the room.

I readjusted my position and put my sights on his wife, making a gingerbread house in the kitchen with their six year old daughter. They looked so happy, oblivious of the danger they were in. Their Christmas was about to take a turn for the worse.

I aimed at the man again. My finger hovered over the trigger.

“I wouldn’t suggest pulling that trigger, Killer,” a voice said.

I reached for the pistol laying next to the rifle.

“I don’t suggestion doing that either,” the voice said. “Might end up with you being dead.”

My hand clamped around the grip. I turned to the source of the voice. A teenager in his late teens with messy blond hair sat on top of a crate.

“Who are you?” I asked.

“I’m the Ghost of Christmas Past,” he grinned. “But you can call me Landon. It’s a bit shorter.”

I snorted. “Ghost of Christmas Past? Seriously?”

“You’re called Phantom,” Landon said.

“The media calls me Phantom,” I said. “I don’t really care for the name that much. I prefer Ghost.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Landon jumped down from the crate. “I want to be done with this in time for dinner so we might as well get it over with.”

“Get what over with?” I asked.

Landon grabbed me by arm with one hand and held the other in the air. “Let us go back to the past!”

The world around me warped. The world spun like a top. When everything stopped moving I puked on Landon’s nice sneakers.

“Oh, come on, man,” Landon shook his foot and the puke vanished. “That’s gross.”

I wiped my mouth and looked around. “Wait a sec, this is….”

“The Knight Penthouse?” Landon said. “I know. I brought us here with my amazing magical powers.”

“But it was torn down,” I said.

Landon nodded. “I know. It’s December 4th, 3005, before your father blew it up.”

The smell of fresh sugar cookies came drifted through the room.

I grinned and headed down the hall into the kitchen. My jaw dropped when I entered.

A woman with fiery red hair stood in the kitchen with a pan of cookies.

“Mom….” I whispered.

“Can I please have one now?” a twelve year boy asked. “Please?”

“No, kiddo,” Mom put the pan by the window. “You have to wait till after they’re decorated.”

“Can we decorate them now?” the boy asked.

A redheaded girl sighed. “If you put frosting on now it’ll melt, stultus.”

Mom gave the girl a stern look. “Derek is not stupid, Sky.”

“But he doesn’t even know what an imaginary number is,” Sky said.

I smiled. Sky, the only girl in the world who could do complex algebra at eight.

“You have a weird family,” Landon said.

I nodded. “Why did you bring me here?”

“To remind you what your Christmas’s used to be like,” Landon said. “You don’t want to take this away from that family, do you?”

“This is about my target?” I asked. “Seriously?”

Landon nodded. “Kill that man and you ruin his kid’s Christmas forever.”

I shrugged. “They’ll get over it.”

Landon sighed. “I did not want to do this.” He snapped his fingers and the scene changed.

We stood in the living room of my old house. The one I moved into after it happened.

My father sat on the couch with a bottle in his hands.

“Dad, why can’t we have a tree?” the boy from before was there. He was fifteen now.

“No,” Father said.

“But it’s Christmas!” the boy said.

Father glared at the boy. “I really don’t care. Now go do your homework or something.”

“I don’t have any,” the boy said. “Can I make cookies with Sky?”

“Get out of my sight, boy!” Father raised his hand as if he was going to hit the boy.

The boy backed away. “Okay, Father.” He walked away.

I turned to Landon. “If your plan is to show me Christmas’s of my past till I decide not to do the job its not going to work. This isn’t going to make me change my mind.”

Landon sighed. “You are stubborn.” Landon grabbed my arm and the world changed. We appeared back on the rooftop.

“I’ll leave the others to deal with you,” Landon vanished.

“Others?” I asked. “What others?”

Another person appeared before me. This one was wearing a graphic t-shirt and ripped jeans. “Hey there, Derek. I’m Tracy, AKA the Ghost of Christmas Present!”

I sighed. “Another one?”

Tracy grabbed my arm. “Don’t worry, I’ll be quick about this.”

The world exploded and the next thing I knew I was standing in my target’s living room.

“See, they’re have a splendid Christmas,” Tracy gestured to the target, who was now playing with his son.

“So what?” I asked. “I could’ve watched this through my scope.”

“You want to leave this boy fatherless?” Tracy asked. “His name is Troy. He wants to be a soldier like his father when he grows up. Do you want to ruin his life?”

“I really do not care,” I said. “Anything else you want to show me or can I get back to work?”

Tracy sighed. “You’re a heartless human being, ya know?”

“If I had a dime for everytime someone said that to me,” I muttered.

Tracy grabbed my arm and the world exploded and once again I was on the roof.

“I’ll let the next guy convince you to change your ways,” Tracy snapped his fingers and vanished.

Another one is coming? This has got to be a dream.

The world around me faded to black. A moment later I found myself standing in a graveyard.

A mist swirled around the tombstones. Storm clouds covered the sky. A man in a worn out black cloak stood a short distance away.

I made my way towards the man. I noticed the names on many of the tombstones as I past them. Amelia, Sam, Bandit, Jack, Elizabeth, Wynter. The names went on and on. None of them were the names of people I knew.

“Are you the Ghost of Christmas Future?” I stood just behind the man.

He nodded.

“Why are we here?” I asked.

“These are the graves of those I’ve killed,” he didn’t look at me. He just stared off into the distance.

The graveyard seem to go on forever. There was no end.

“You’ve killed a lot of people,” I said.

He nodded.

One of the gravestone caught my eye. Skylar Knight 2998-3014.

“Sky….” I whispered. “You killed Sky….”

The man turned to me but said nothing. His face hidden in the shadows of his hood.

“Who are you?” I asked.

He didn’t answer.

“Who are you?!”

He reached up and pulled off his hood.

I staggered back, tripping over a tombstone. “No… No. No. No.” I backed away from him. “You… I… no.”

The face staring down at me was my own. Covered with scars but it was still me.

“This can’t be real,” I said.

“We murder hundreds,” the man’s voice was like my own. “We enjoyed it.”

I shook my head. “You are not me. I’d never kill Sky.”

“She thought we were weak,” he laughed. “But she was wrong. We are not weak. We are power. We are unstoppable.”

I shook my head. “No. You are a monster.”

“We are a monster,” he said. “We are the same person. We are Derek Knight.”

“No, we are not,” I said.

“I am your future,” he laughed as the world around me faded into darkness.

I sat up. Sweat dripped from my brow. My heart pounded. The alarm clock blared. It was time to do the job.

Taking a few deep breaths, I reached for my rifle.

“I am your future.” No. It was just a dream. A nightmare. That wasn’t my future. I wasn’t going to become a psychopath. I’d never hurt Sky. It was just a nightmare, that’s all. Or was it?

The rifle leaned against the wall. It had killed so many people. I had killed so many people. It never really bothered me before now. Am I already a psychopath?

No. I’m not. I’m just a man who kills for a living, that’s all. I grabbed my rifle.

Christmas music played nearby. Do I really want to kill a father on Christmas Eve though? Do I want his kids to go through the same thing I had?

I put the rifle away. I can decide what I want to do later but my target can live. I wasn’t getting paid much for the job anyways.

The Name Game

Writing is hard. That'll never change. Naming characters is hard as well but there is an easier way to do it other than just staring at a blank page hoping the name will jump out at you. Many people have many different way to find names for their characters. I personally use baby name sites. That's how I've gotten names like Skylar Knight and Tracy Quinn. Other people may Google names from other nations and use those. There are many ways to find names for your characters and I'm going to go over a few of them today.

Now, I mentioned in the previous paragraph that I use baby name sites. They're quite useful if you want a relatively normal name. Simply Google something such as boy names and hundreds of baby name sites will pop up. Just look through some of their lists until you find a name that fits. 

Another way to find the perfect name for that character is to translate common words into different languages. Doing this is a great way to come up with fantasy names. For an example, if you translate the word assassination into Latin you'll get Caedis. You can do this with just about any language and get rather interesting results. 

You could also put sounds together to create a new word. This also works great for creating fantasy names. An example of this would be Kaltinca, which is a name I just created combining the sounds Kal-tin-ca. If you do this to create a name Google it to make sure it doesn't mean anything weird. 

Another option for naming your characters is to Google names that mean a particular thing. Such as if you Google names that mean strong you'll get names such as: Arnold, Bree, and Kari. 

So, there are four wonderful ways to find a name for that pesky character who refuses to tell you his/her name. So, that's all for now folks! Have a wonderful day. 

An Interview with Alexis Raven

Hello humanoids! Today is the day I talk about my amazing characters and ask you questions in order to get comments! Or I gues I coud just mespel stuf and use ImprOper caPitaliZatioN and pun'ctu)at:ion. Okay, that last sentence was a pain to write. I'm never ever doing that again. Anyways, for the interview I'm going to give you a quick overview of Alexis and you give me your questions. I'll post her answers on Tuesday. Oh, and here's what she looks like.

Michaela Conlin just happens to be a clone of Alexis

Alexis Raven is the twenty year old stepdaughter of Master Zane Raven of the Raven Guild. Since the Raven Guild is a thieve's guild and Alexis is a member of the guild you can rightly assume that she's a thief. Alexis is actually a pretty accomplished thief for her age. She got her first tattoos at the young age of fifteen (tattoos play a huge part in the guild's culture).

Personality wise Alexis is a very sarcastic human being. She also tends to be a little rude and has a bad habit of insulting people. Despite all this she loves people and enjoys making friends. Alexis is also very superstitious. 

Alexis may like making friends but its hard for her to keep them. Most people don't trust thieves. She does have one good friend though. His name is Ghost and he's a professional assassin. 

Alexis has a large family. Her father, who was her stepfather's brother, died when she was very young and her mother married Master Zane a year later. Alexis has two younger sisters and four half brothers. She also has several cousins, uncles, and aunts. Most of whom hate her due to the fact that she got herself kidnapped and was forced to join the rebels. 

As I mentioned in the last paragraph Alexis was kidnapped and forced to join the rebels, or the Freeland Republic as they like to call themselves. The Starrin Empire kidnapped five people for a job and attached little electronic devices to their spine so that they could electrocute them to death if they didn't do the job. Alexis currently is working for the rebels on the Empire's orders. And that last sentence sounded like it was from Star Wars. *starts talking to myself about what to change the Empire's name to*

Hope that all made sense. I'm not particularly good at summarizing people's lives. Or summarizing anything for that matter. So, if you have any questions for the lovely thief put them in the comments. She'll be answering them on Tuesday. Hope ya'll have a great day!

How to Write an Emotional Scene

Hello humanoids! Today I'll be teaching you how to write an emotional scene. Actually, let me rephrase that. I'll be giving you an example of an emotional scene and you can figure out how to write your own by studying the example. I'm too lazy to actually bother to write a post about writing emotional stuff. Actually, I take that back. I'll give you a helpful tip. Listen to sad, happy, or whatever emotion you're trying to write music while writing the scene. Helps a ton. Now, onto the example!

Example:

I can’t be late. I have to stop her. She can’t do this to herself.

Scrambling down back alleys and the busy streets I made my way to our spot.

Don’t do this. Please, don’t do this.

I left the city and entered the forest. She had to be here. Where else would she go?

The forest was silent. Not a sound was to be heard other than that of my own heart as I leaped over fallen logs and dashed between the trees.

I stopped at the edge of the pond. Our pond. Where we first met.

There she was. Sitting on the grass with a laptop in front of her, about to hit enter.

She looked up from what she was doing. “Derek, don’t try to stop me.”

“There has to be a better way,” I said. “Please don’t do this.”

She glanced down at her screen. “I have to.” She pressed send.

“No!” I rushed over and took the laptop from her. It was too late. The video had been released.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

I closed the laptop. There was nothing I could do now. “It’s not your fault.”

A tear slid down her cheek. “I’m scared, Derek.”

I hugged her. “Everything will be fine.”

She buried her face in my shoulder. “I don’t want to go. I’m only twenty.”

“I know,” I held her close. “I love you.”

She looked me in the eyes. “I love you too,” she whispered before kissing me.

My lips felt numb. Like someone had zapped them with electricity.

Her head fell limp and the light left her eyes.

“No. No. Please no,” I begged. “Please, don’t go.”

She didn’t respond.

A sob escaped my lips. “Come back. Don’t go.” Tears rolled down my cheek. I hugged her body. “Alex, please don’t leave me.”

There you have it. An emotional scene. I would explain to you what exactly was going on with the girl but as I said before I'm feeling rather lazy so I'm just not going to bother. So, there's your example of an emotional scene. Go write one yourself now. Scram! Just joking. You don't have to.

Have a pleasant day and return this weekend for another amazing post!

How Do you Spell That?

Game Show Host: Hello ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to How Do you Spell That?! Today we have John Smith and Alice Doe playing.

John Smith: *waves* Hi Mom! I'm on TV!

Alice Doe: Why am I here? I never signed up for this! You people kidnapped me!

Game Show Host: Hello, Alice and John. Welcome to How Do you Spell That?

John: T-H-A-T.

Game Show Host: Why did you just spell that?

John: Because you asked me too.

Game Show Host: That's the name of the show, not what you were suppose to do.

John: But you asked me to spell that.

Game Show Host: It doesn't really matter. Alice, please spell honor.

Alice: No. You kidnapped me. Why would I do anything you say?

Game Show Host: You'll be a millionaire if you win.

Alice: H-O-N-O-U-R.

Game Show Host: That is incorrect.

Alice: Uh, no it's not.

Game Show Host: There is no U in honor.

Alice: Yes, there is.

John: We're in America.

Alice: You kidnapped me and brought me to the United States? How crazy are you people? I demand to be taken home.

Game Show Host: As you wish. Guards!

*Guards come and drag Alice away*

Game Show Host: Now back to How Do you Spell That?!

John: T-H-A-T.

Game Show Host: Uh, yeah. Next question. If you can spell hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia you will win a million dollars.

John: H-I-P-P-O-P-O-T-O-M-S-T-R-O-S-E-Q-U-I-P-E-D-A-L-I-O-P-H-O-B-I-A.

Game Show Host: How on Earth did you just do that? You weren't supposed to be able to spell that. Now I have to find a million dollars to give you.

John: I'm reading off the script. Even what I'm saying right now is part of the script. If you didn't want me to be able to spell that then you shouldn't have written it down.

Game Show Host: .....

John: So, uh, where is my million dollars?

Game Show Host: Guards!

*Guards come and drag John away*

Game Show Host: Well, that was a great show. See you next time on How Do you Spell That?!

John: *shouts as he's being dragged out the door* T-H-A-T!

Happy Thanksgiving

I'm a Time Lord

Yes, you read the title of this post right. I am a Time Lord, or Time Lady technically, and no, I am not joking. I have two hearts, a sonic screwdriver, and a TARDIS. Actually I don't currently have a TARDIS due to the fact that I miss placed it a few hundred years ago (would tell you how I managed to misplace a TARDIS but its a long story involving cybercows, coffee, and a rabbit) but that doesn't matter. I still own one even if I don't know where it is.

How am I a Time Lady if the Doctor was the last Time Lord you ask? Well, remember that one episode of Doctor Who? The Doctor's Daughter season four, episode six? Remember that episode? You don't? Go watch it. Now. It's awesome. But anyways, so the Doctor is cloned in that episode and Jenny, his clone, is a Time Lord and at the end of the episode she goes out and travels through space. Well, eventually she got married and had a kid. That kid is me. So technically I'm half Time Lord but I was born in the TARDIS so I have all of the Time Lord abilities.

Missing: TARDIS
Reward: Traveling through time and space
(This is just a random photo of a vending machine from
the internet. My TARDIS my not look exactly like this)

Now that you know how I am a Time Lady lets get into my history. As I mentioned earlier I miss placed my TARDIS a few hundred years ago and I've been living on Earth since then. Since searching for the TARDIS gets boring after a few decades I started to write. I wrote under the pen name H.G. Wells. I am H.G. Wells. How else do you think he, or she technically (I would explain how H.G. Wells is actually a girl but its a long story), came up with the idea for The Time Machine? I've actually had several names over the years. Most of them are authors others are artists. Some of my past lives I was just a normal person who occasionally fought of Dalek invasions. I'm currently a writer but I still have yet to publish anything.

So, that's everything you need to know about me. Later this week I'll be posting my first character interview, or at least be asking for questions for my first character interview, so check in later if you have anything to ask Alexis Raven. Oh, and also, if you ever run across a vending machine that's bigger on the inside let me know because its probably my TARDIS.

How to Write Something Funny

Have you ever wanted to write something funny but could never figure out how? Well, this post will teach you how to find your sixth sense, the sense of humor. If you already have that sense then there's no need to read the rest of this post.

What is humor? The definition of the word according to the Oxford Dictionary is: "The quality of being amusing or comic, especially as expressed in literature or speech." That definition is boring though. Humor is basically something that makes you laugh. So anything can be humorous: bugs, cheesecake, cheese, even death. Although if you think death is funny there is something seriously wrong with you. So, anything you write can be funny to someone.

How do you find a sense of humour? As I said before anything you write has the possibility of being funny so technically you already have it but you want to be funny to more than one or two people. How you gain the ultimate sense of humour you simply have to write words using the British spelling, as I have been for the past paragraph. I spelt humour with the British spelling instead of the weird American spelling so now I'm the funniest Time Lord alive, which really isn't much of an achievement since there aren't very many of us around. Plus all the other Time Lords who are still around are actually from the UK so they already spell stuff that way. Dang it.

What are some other ways to find your sense of humor? If you don't know what the British spelling of words are then you could always use sarcasm, dumb jokes, puns, and a ton hyperboles. Although despite what your English classes say hyperboles are not all that funny. Sarcasm is though. What is sarcasm? Well, it's a dangerous disease that causes your hair to turn green and makes it so you can only speak Elvish. If you don't believe me go Google Scotland's national animal. It'll answer all your questions other then the ones you have about the meaning of life. The answer to that is 42. Dumb jokes are easy. Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine. Puns are pretty easy. That picture is a great example of a pun. I already spoke on the jaw dropping effects hyperboles have so there's no need for me to talk about them anymore.

So, those are many ways you can find your sense of humor. There are more of course but I don't feel like writing an essay that's 50,000 words long. Also, don't blame me if you attempt to use my examples of humor and they don't work. Not everyone can be as hilarious as me and some people never find their sense of humor. If you're one of those people I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'd suggest you go find your imagination. That might help.

Anyways, if any of you brilliant readers wish to share some jokes and such in the comments feel free to do so. I love reading funny stuff.

Stupid examples of humor:

Oliver: Skylar is, like, the smartest person in the entire system.

Skylar: That's not true. I'm only on the top five list. 

Alexis: Hey, kid. What's up?

Jack: We're the same age so if you call me a kid your calling yourself one too.

Alexis: Last I checked I wasn't a baby goat.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Doctor

Doctor who?

*insert TARDIS noise here*

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

“You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It's really funny.” - quote from a Brandon Sanderson book

I'm a Writer

Hello humans and aliens of the universe. As you probably already know I'm a writer. If  you never realized this before now you obviously haven't read anything else on this wonderful blog. You should go read the rest of my blog. Go do it now. You done? Good.

So, anyways, since I'm a writer I've decided to start posting writing related things on this blog. I might start doing book/tv show/movie reviews as well. You may be asking yourself what I mean by writing related things. The answer to that question is that I'll be occasionally posting my personal writing tips. Sort of like my how to beat writers block post that you should go read. Since I'm also doing NaNoWriMo I'll be posting weekly updates about that. What is NaNoWriMo you ask? Well, it stands for Nation Novel Writing Month and the goal of NaNoWriMo is to write 50,000 words in your novel during the month of November. I'm writing the forth-ish draft of my book Death's Quest for NaNoWriMo. I'll tell you all about my amazing book that you might eventually read if I ever get to a final draft and publish it in another blog post. I'll also be posting a character interview once a month-ish. That's everything I can think of to tell you about today. Good bye, humans, aliens, and non-organic beings!

How Rabbits Came to Earth

The Human Dimension: The magician’s hand reached into the hat.

The Rabbit Dimension: Jeff was relaxing in the sun when the Great Hand emerged from the clouds. As soon as it appeared the alarms were sounded. Every adult rabbit was to head to Lettus Square.

Jeff sighed and hopped toward the capital. He was having such a nice day until the Great Hand appeared. 

The closer Jeff got to the capital the more rabbits he saw. Nobody was grinding their teeth today.

Lettus Square was crowded. Jeff could barely see the platform where the Council sat, waiting for everyone to arrive. In the middle of the Council’s platform was a dish filled with paper scraps.

A few minutes later High Councilman Smudge rose to his hind legs. “As you have all seen the Great Hand has appeared. Today we must send one of our own to the human world. Councilman Sparta will now pull a name out of the Dish of Doom.”

A brown rabbit dipped his head into the bowl and grabbed a name with his teeth. He pulled it out and gave it to the High Councilman.

“The rabbit who will be leaving our realm today is Jeff Quest the V!” High Councilman Smudge said.

Jeff’s heart pounded. That was his name. He was going to the human world, where he would be forced to be someone’s pet or get eaten.

Everyone backed away from him.

“Jeff, go to the Great Hand,” High Councilman Smudge said. “Join the rabbits of the human world.”

“I don’t want to go,” Jeff said.

“You must,” the High Councilman said. “I’m sorry.”

Jeff looked around, hoping someone would volunteer to go in his place. No one came forward.

Jeff hopped away from the square and back to the field where the Great Hand was waiting.

The Great Hand grabbed Jeff by his black ears and lifted him into the sky.

The Human Dimension: The magician pulled his arm out of the hat. In his hand was a black rabbit. The crowd clapped. The magician bowed. Jeff stared down at the hat, wishing he could go back.

Questions from the Corners of Space and Time: Doctor Who?

Hello creatures of the past, present, and future! This is Reporter Ryder Eclipse the Great reporting in with another pressing question: Doctor who? People have been wondering what is the Doctor's name for the past fifty year so I've decided to find out. The person I've interviewed about this matter is a great tree of few words. He's a raccoon's sidekick and works for a weirdo named Peter Quill. He is Groot! Here's the interview.


Reporter Ryder Eclipse the Great: Hello, Groot. I've brought you here today to ask you a question as old as time itself.

Groot: I am Groot.

Reporter Ryder Eclipse the Great: And I am Ryder Eclipse the Great. The question you are here to answer is: what is the Doctor's name?

Groot: I am Groot.

Reporter Ryder Eclipse the Great: I really doubt that's his name. Do you watch Doctor Who?

Groot: I am Groot.

Reporter Ryder Eclipse the Great: When I was told you don't talk much I was not expecting this.

Groot: *grows a flower on his arm, plucks it off, and gives it to Reporter Ryder Eclipse the Great.* I am Groot.

Reporter Ryder Eclipse the Great: *takes flower* Uh, thank you.

Groot: *smiles*

Reporter Ryder Eclipse the Great: Well, I guess we're done here. Good bye, Groot.

Groot: I am Groot.

Reporter Ryder Eclipse the Great: *teleports away from the Marvel universe*


Now you all know that the Doctor's name is I Am Groot. Hope you enjoyed today's question. If you have a question for Reporter Ryder Eclipse then please leave it in the comments. Have a shiny day and may the Force be with you!

Questions from the Furthest Corners of Time and Space: Why do the Red Shirts Always Die?

Hello creatures of the past, present, and future! This is your favorite alien reporter Ryder Eclipse. I am currently on Tatooine where I will ask one of the biggest questions ever asked. Why do red shirts always die in the old Star Trek tv shows and movies? The young man asked about this pressing issue is a loyal soldier of the Galactic Empire. He is the next generation of soldiers in his universe who wear the uniforms that provide the least amount of camouflage I have ever seen. He is a stormtrooper under the command of Darth Vader. Here is the interview.


Awesome Reporter Eclipse: Hello, young man. What is your name?

Stormtrooper: Are you a droid?

Awesome Reporter Eclipse: No. I'm an awesome reporter, as you can see by the title next to my name that came before these sentences.

Stormtrooper: I am a faithful soldier of the Galactic Empire.

Awesome Reporter Eclipse: I'm sure you are. Do you know why you're here?

Stormtrooper: To destroy rebel scum?

Awesome Reporter Eclipse: No. You are here to answer a question. Why do the red shirts always die in the old Star Trek series?

Stormtrooper: Because they're rebel scum?

Awesome Reporter Eclipse: They're not rebels.

Stormtrooper: Are they droids?

Awesome Reporter Eclipse: No, they are not.

Stormtrooper: Have you seen the droids I've been looking for?

Awesome Reporter Eclipse: No, I have not. So, what are your theories on why red shirts die?

Stormtrooper: I have a white shirt.

Awesome Reporter Eclipse: I'm talking about people from Star Trek.

Stormtrooper: Are they in alliance with the rebel scums?

Awesome Reporter Eclipse: They're from the future.

Stormtrooper: I must go find two droid. If you have not seen them then talking to you is useless to the Empire. *Stormtrooper raises blaster and fires it at Awesome Reporter Eclipse. The stormtrooper ends up destroying his own speeder.*

Awesome Reporter Eclipse: Good bye, Mr. Stormtrooper. *Teleports away from the Star Wars universe.*

Dragon's Quest

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away… No wait. Wrong story. Gimme a sec, I’ll find the right one. Oh, here we go.

Once upon a time there was a young prince named Jack who wished to become greater than his annoying egoistic brother, Marcus. So Prince Jack decided to go on a quest. A grand quest to slay the evil dragon of the Free Mountains. Now, this grand quest has been attempted by many of men. None of whom returned from the mountain.

Because of this the young prince decided he might have a better chance of killing the beast if he had help. So Jack requested to have three soldiers who would be willing to go with him on this great journey.

The three that came forward were marksman Edward; his brother, Matthew; and Lady Skylar, a brave girl who is not a distressed damsel of any kind and is actually a knight.

These four people, this is including the prince of course, left Starrin and headed towards the Free Mountains.

Okay, so the story about the journey between the Free Mountains and the Kingdom of Starrin is long and boring so I will just skip a few chapters. Nothing really happened. Only a couple run ins with Jack’s older brother, an attempted assassination, and a battle with a troll.

Two weeks later:

The foursome were riding through the Dark Forest of Erion when they happened across a traveler named Alexis. After learning that Alexis knew how to heal people they decided to ask her if she’d like to come slay a dragon and then heal any wounds they had. Alexis agreed and they continued traveling together.

A week later they arrived at the dragon’s cave. Standing at the entrance was a knight in red armor. The guardian of the cave and the adopted daughter of the dragon. Don’t ask. I have no idea why the dragon would adopt a human daughter.

“You shall not enter,” the red knight said.

Prince Jack battled the red knight. He somehow managed to knock her out without getting his head cut off but he did get stabbed in the chest.

Alexis healed Jack best she could but he did not make it. Prince Jack died. Just joking! Can’t have the prince die, can we? Actually yes we can but it’s not needed for this story.

Prince Jack knocked out the red knight and entered the cave followed by his friends.

A great black and green dragon lay on a pile of gold within the cave.

The dragon looked up from studying a large gem and growled at the intruders

Prince Jack and his friends attacked the beast. Edward fired arrows, Matthew whacked it with his sword, Skylar also whacked it with a sword, and Jack shouted insults at it while whacking it with a sword. Alexis stood on the sidelines unable to do anything because she had no fighting skills whatsoever.

The dragon breathed fire and knocked around the four attackers. Edward got eaten. This is not a joke. The dude actually got eaten. Sorry.

Eventually Jack stuck the dragon in the heart and the dragon died. Everyone went back to Starrin much richer and full of glory. They were heroes. Jack had proved he could do something that Marcus could not do. Everything was perfect. Except for Matthew. He was a little mad that his brother got eaten by a dragon so he left Starrin. Alexis went with him. But Skylar and Jack lived happily ever after. The end.

Nice story, huh? There were battles, long journeys, a dragon, a guy died, and everyone lived happily ever after, kind of. So goodbye for now and remember, never get eaten by a dragon. It’s bad for your health.